On Being in a Major Snit

November 14, 2008 at 2:25 am | Posted in Book Blather, Rude Poetry | 9 Comments

Recently I wrote a nasty blog post about a talentless author whose writing is so bad that I’d rather watch grass grow than read one of his books.  Yes, I’m talking about you, Dan Brown.  And how did Dan Brown react when he saw that I’d blasphemed against his holy name by putting up his book cover with a giant X through it?  How did he react when he saw that I’d posted a rude poem with his name?  Why, I’ll tell you.

He didn’t post a comment on my blog.

He didn’t e-mail anyone about it.

He didn’t demand an apology.

He didn’t go on and on about how I’d misappropriated his material.

All I heard was… crickets.  And why?  Because, for one thing, I doubt my mean-spirited little blog post ever came to his attention.  Why should it?  I’m a peon.  I’m a little secretary with a state college degree, a five figure negative net worth, and a rental house in a small city.  I’m not even all that good looking.  Why the heck should anyone care what I say on my little book blog, with an average daily readership of 15, most of whom probably would never read his books under any circumstances anyway?

The other reason Dan Brown doesn’t have a tear in his beer over my post is that a mature, emotionally well adjusted adult knows to blow off this kind of thing.  If I said anything that hurt his feelings, he could just go to his swimming pool full of hundred-dollar bills and do the Australian crawl for a couple hours until he felt better.  He could just write another book casting a thinly-disguised me as the villain.  That’s right – a villain who cares about nothing but books and has become so cold from her obsessive reading habit that she’s no longer capable of human emotion.

Here’s the other thing.  If you do a Google search on the name “Dan Brown” or the title “The Da Vinci Code,” no way on earth is my blog going to come up in the first, say, two million hits.  That’s because there’s so much traffic involving those names.  Now, if he happened to be a lesser-known author with a newer book – hypothetically speaking, of course – he’d probably wish that I had avoided using his name or the title of his book anywhere on my entire blog.  Was that too subtle?  Let me spell it out again.  When you don’t use someone’s name, it means nobody will find the blog post when they do a Google search about that person.  So it’s probably a kindness if you find that someone hasn’t approved any of your comments to her blog, if doing so would have meant that all of a sudden that terrible, horrible, no good, rotten blog post started appearing in your Google hits.  Know what I mean?

And now, a gratuitous rude poem – by request – about Nicholas Sparks.

Nicholas Sparks

I’m in the darks

Why do your books get high marks?

My dog could do better

And he just barks.

Watch this space for another rotten, rude post – by request – about Gladiator and how much that sucked.

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9 Comments »

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  1. Great post! I love the image of Mr. Brown swimming in his pool of money. I think you must be a much nicer person than I am because I approved all of that hypothetical author’s comments and allowed him to shoot himself in the foot. I figure, if that’s what he’s intent on doing, who am I to stand in his way?

  2. LOVE the Nicholas Sparks poem! Even more riveting than his books!

  3. Oh, he’s up to 14 at this point. I’m not even reading them all. Evidently he wants me to track down every person who blogged about him or commented on any of those blogs, and try to force each one to give him an apology. How am I supposed to do that? Sheesh. As far as I know, it’s not against the law to insult people, and acting like Rumpelstiltskin about it is just going to make them insult you more.

  4. I do believe your posts have earned you a new fan… me! I’ve enjoyed your posts and the Nicholas Sparks poem.

  5. I will be reciting your Nicholas Sparks poem at random intervals throughout the day. Thanks for sharing!

  6. Lovely, smarmy post! And a terrific poem to boot.

  7. This is hilarious. I love your little poem.

  8. I’m so glad Trish has introduced me to your site! This is a great post and so funny! I’m looking forward to your Gladiator post!

  9. God, sorry about all the exclamations. Blame it on sleep deprivation. I’m trying to pretend I’m awake.


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